True (horror) Story (illustrated)
If you ever carry anything in the back of your Pickup truck, STRAP
IT DOWN. Stuff flies out very easily, and can injure or kill
someone. Mattresses, especially, seem to have wings.
A few years back, we were getting rid of our old bed.
It was nearly brand new, and we hated to throw it out. Our friend
Jill and her boyfriend were complaining about how bad their old
mattress was. So Mark suggested that they take our old bed.
We put the mattress and box spring in the back of our old Toyota
pickup truck. It was pretty heavy, and I lashed it in with one
strap across the middle. I figured that should keep it snug.
We took off down the George Washington Parkway toward Old Town
during rush hour. There was little traffic going our way, but
plenty going the other! It was late in the year, so it got dark
early.
Of course, we were chatting and not paying attention, when suddenly
Mark says "hey, where's the mattress?". I look in the rear view
mirror, and to my horror, there is nothing in the back of the
pickup truck.
Well, turning around on the GW parkway during rush hour is no
picnic. We had to drive halfway to Old Town to turn around. It
was solid traffic and people were honking at us for being in the
left lane and going slowly. But we had to slow down to see where
the mattress went!
"Maybe it fell off before we got on the Parkway", Mark said, "or
maybe it is sitting on the side of the road."
Just then we came upon it. There was the mattress, looking a
little lumpy on the opposite side of the road, in the right lane,
with a tire track across it. The box spring lay in the left lane
and, by some miracle, was intact! Mark said, "Hey, it doesn't look
so bad". But not for long. A full-size Chevy Blazer with
monster
tires hit it just then.
BAM! The box spring just exploded. Small pieces of wood and
springs and cloth went everywhere. "Well, maybe we can save the
mattress", Mark said.
"Not likely", I replied, "Did you see the tire track across
it?"
We took the next right and turned around at the Alexandria Avenue
bridge. "What should we do?" Mark asked, "We can't just
leave it
there, someone might get hurt". "On the other hand", I
replied,
"do we want to own up to this?"
We went back to the scene of the devastation and pulled over with
our flashers on and started tossing pieces of box spring into the
back of the truck and off to the side of the road. Almost
immediately, two other helpful samaritans stopped as well.
"What happened here?" the first one asked. "Someone lost a
mattress off their truck and we stopped to get it off the road", I
replied. "Well, let me give you a hand" he said, and together
the
four of us started cleaning box spring bits off the road.
We didn't have time to move the mattress when an elderly lady in a
large Cadillac zoomed around our parked cars and ran square into
the mattress. The low-slung undercarriage of the Caddy caught the
mattress which started to roll up like a dinner roll under her car.
She sensed the resistance and gunned the engine, causing the
mattress to roll up even more. At this point, her front wheels
were off the ground, and her rear tires were leaving smokey burnout
patches on the pavement.
I ran over and banged on her window. With a look of shear horror,
she opened it up and said "Did I run someone over?".
"No", I
replied, "You just hit a mattress". She gunned the engine more.
"No! NO!" I cried, "back up!, it's caught!". She put
the Caddy in
reverse and the mattress neatly unrolled itself on the pavement.
The four of us dragged it to the side of the road while the caddy
tore off. It was a mess. Criss-crossed with tire tracks, full of
lumps, and a neat oil stain from the undercarriage of the caddy.
No one was going to sleep on this mattress any time soon.
Mark said "We should get the heck out of here!". I concurred
and we
all jumped in our cars and left.
When we arrived at Jill's apartment, we figured we'd have a
humorous story to tell and that would be it. When we arrived, they
greeted us at the door. "We're so glad you're here! We can't
wait
for the new mattress!" they said.
"Well, about the mattress..." I started.
"Yes, the mattress!" Jill replied. "I can't WAIT! We
threw out
our old one two days ago and have been sleeping on the floor ever
since!".
* * *
True story. Poor kids slept on the floor for another month. They
eventually broke up. I only hope that the mattress fiasco was not
the cause!
--Bob.
(Attached illustration: Richard McMurry - severn@his.com)