JUDGE: This court is now in session. In the matter of--
MAYOR: Excuse me, your honor, but I just want to make a few statements here at the
JUDGE: Mr. Mayor, it's not customary for a jury member in a State Supreme Court
proceeding to express his opinions in open court.
MAYOR: With all due respect, judge, I didn't single-handedly take the City of New York
from the brink of disaster and turn it into the safest, most prosperous big city in
the country by following custom. And I think we can save the taxpayers of this
city a lot of money by cutting through the preliminary nonsense and getting
right to the facts of the case.
PLAINTIFF'S LAWYER: Objection, your honor. I believe it's the responsibility of
counsel in this case to present the evidence.
MAYOR: Evidence, schmevidence. We all know the facts here, but it's creeps like
counsel over there who need to turn cases like this into long, drawn-out affairs
so they can earn their exorbitant fees.
PLAINTIFF'S LAWYER: Objection!
JUDGE: Mr. Mayor, I must ask you to observe the rules of this court--
MAYOR: I know the rules of this court, judge. Most New Yorkers will remember that I
was a federal prosecutor in this city and single-handedly brought organized
crime to its knees--and it wasn't by letting defense lawyers control the
courtroom, for crying out loud.
JUDGE: But you are a juror in these proceedings, sir, not a prosecutor.
MAYOR: What I am in these proceedings is a New Yorker, serving on a jury with my
fellow New Yorkers, in pursuit of justice for New Yorkers. And unlike others I
could name, I don't need to take a listening tour to learn about my homestate.
You want to know the capital of Saratoga County? Ballston Spa. And that's
way upstate. So there!
JUDGE: Mr. Mayor, I insist that we follow proper procedures in my courtroom.
MAYOR: What is this excessive concern with rules and procedures? It's a sickness,
judge. Maybe you should go consult a psychiatrist with this--how you're
devoting your life to rules and procedures instead of justice.
DEFENDANT'S LAWYER: Your honor, I call for a mistrial!
MAYOR: A mistrial! Can you believe this hypocrite? So we're supposed to throw this
whole thing out and start over?
JUDGE: Will the bailiff please remove the juror from this courtroom.
MAYOR: Okay, so maybe as a juror I'm a little confrontational. But I didn't single-
handedly overturn decades of soft-headed liberal politics in this city by being
warm and cuddly. And if getting the job done takes alienating a lawyer or a
judge--or even a Governor or two--well, that's who I am and I'm too old to
MAYOR: In fact, I've already reached a verdict in this case.
DEFENDANT'S AND PLAINTIFF'S LAWYERS: (in unison) Objection!
MAYOR: Enough with the objections, already! This jury finds for the People of the State
of New York.
JUDGE: Mr. Mayor, the People of the State of New York are not even a party to this
MAYOR: My point exactly. So why are we here, wasting the taxpayer's money? Case
closed! That was simple, right? Now, anybody need a ride back to City Hall?